Don’t Be That Guy: iPhone Users

“Technology… the knack of so arranging the world that we don’t have to experience it.” ~Max Frisch

Don’t Be That Guy: iPhone User

Oh come on, you knew it had to happen eventually. As a small side note, with this being the blog post that (potentially) sends me over the 10,000 views mark (woohoo thanks guys!) I decided I needed to post something juicy. So here it is, the reasons why you iPhone users suck {don’t hate me.}

They’re going to be the cigarettes of our generation

Think about it, they both cause unhealthy addictions the likes of which are cured only by intense therapy and/or medical treatment. Also, I’m sure that eventually scientists are going to discover that all those G’s cause cancer and then what’re all the addicts going to do? I think I’ll be the first to patent a plastic iPhone like device that only texts and allows for 2 hours of internet access a day. It’ll be the first phase in my new step program. The final step will be one of those ancient things my parents told me about where it looks like a cell phone, but it only sends and receives calls. I’m still not sure that they exist {anyone have pictures?}

They’re just too functional

There’s something wrong with a piece of electronics that can balance your checkbook, order your favorite sushi, cut your hair, feed your cat, buy your groceries, and get you a date with that girl who shops at boutiques. It’s kind of like the Disney movie “Wall E” except now people don’t even have to leave the planet to check out, all they have to do is slide that notorious little bar with their thumb.

They slay conversation with a sledge hammer

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who’s playing with an iphone? You’re better off trying to punt a cheetah across a ravine filled with ravenous Canadian curlers than you are to try and get your iPhone obsessed friend to tell you whether or not you can borrow their pencil. The early iPhone users sometimes maintain the ability to put their iPhone face down, but don’t get too optimistic because this ability fades within days. An iPhone face up on a table is like an air horn in the hands of a two year old. Sooner or later, things will take a turn for the worse and there won’t be any going back.

They have all those “apps”

Imagine your least favorite preteen girl voice. Now imagine that voice squealing “O-M-G have you seen this new app?!?!” Apple has done the previously inconceivable and made a device that is continually upgrading itself. Kudos for the invention, damn the actuality. In theory these trendy “apps” help people to better function in society. But what really happens is people spend countless hours searching for more ways to be productive. At least, those are the ones who are in denial. The realistic iPhoner has accepted the fact that the toy in their hand is just another way to waste time.

They’re Uninsured

This is the biggest joke of the whole iPhone scenario. As if these pocket gods (that’s an app, but I thought that it was an appropriate name) don’t cause enough baby treatment to begin with, they’re uninsurable. As if the tweeting, facebooking, flickring, blogging masses didn’t have enough reasons to cling to their handtops (handheld laptop {patent pending [not really]}), they can’t be replaced. Given the capabilities, we might as well stop having children so that we can make sure we take better care of our iPhones.

So listen up all your iPhone toting vagrants. You suck because I can’t get you to have a real conversation with me, because you are never lost, because you play awesome games I can’t, and because I’m really really really super jealous that I don’t have one. Ok there it is, I said it. I want an iPhone more than the world wanted Celine Dion to sing at the closing ceremonies! (who even was that band?) I want one because they’re cool and hip and because I could be writing this on a screen that’s so much smaller than the one I’m writing on now. I want one because I don’t waste enough time on my own, so I’d appreciate it if I had a device to help me out. But when it’s all said and done, I can text in the shower with my phone and your iPhone can’t!! {yeah, I heard about the waterproof case, I don’t want to talk about it}

“Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.” ~J.K. Rowling

What do you hate about the iPhone? What do you Love? Tell me Tell me!!


14 responses to “Don’t Be That Guy: iPhone Users

  1. you’re a silly goose dog, that’s all I’ve got to say.

    and that I have a serious prediction that this one is going to get a lot of reads/comments. loved it, made me laugh. at myself. and my broken screen that I’ve had for 6 months.

  2. okay first off, the iphone was on my birthday wish list.. so… hahah. i’m guilty of falling victim to this phenomenon. {i mean i want to pop bubble wrap all day every day- its my favorite game on the iphone. seriously addicting} BUT i feel like since i don’t have one yet i can bash a tad. because the worst thing ever is hanging with a friend… and their iphone. and the apps are crazy. i’m pretty sure they have a friend app to replace having any real social interaction. and thats just wrong. my sister has an app that gives you fake calls from a celebrity. only a preteen girl. obviously she has zac efron call her when she is with her friends. needless to say they so completely are the cigarettes of our generation {too funny} and i completely want one. {if only to look like pauly d!!!}

    p.s. yes, canada let michael buble play {swoon} BUT HOW COULD THEY NOT HAVE CELINE. they are officially crazy.

  3. “because I could be writing this on a screen that’s so much smaller than the one I’m writing on now.” That made me laugh. I don’t quite get what you’re saying though, I am perfectly capable of having…Oh hold on…someone just played me in words with friends…Gibes?!? Thats not even a real word!

  4. It’s okay Jordan, Apple is already working on a cure to the iPhone. It’s called the iPad. It’s like an iPhone, except without all that portability and convenience nonsense. Soon, it will come out with TWICE THE UN-INSURANCE. Yea, that’s right, Apple’s got your back.

    • haha so true. good to know that the great minds are always at work. I actually love Apple and all the work they do. It’s more how cultural effects that frustrate me.

  5. Jordo, love this entry. SO insanely true its almost disgusting. I know, I know… I’m the PRIME example. Although I do have to say, I usually have a good rule of “No phones at the table.” But what I love most about this post, you finally admitting your jealous. HA! I knew it all along.

    What I love about the iPhone – you can do virtually ANYTHING on it.

    What I hate about the iPhone – AT&T sucks in terms of service, its uninsurable (like you said), and I never get anything done. There you have it.

    Well done friend, well done.

  6. I recently switched to At&t in order to finally get an iPhone and I couldn’t be happier. I do agree that some people don’t know how to practice restraint, however, when it comes to these wonderful little machines it’s understandable. I’ve made a rule for myself that I don’t use it during meals with people, during work, or when I am spending quality time with someone. I don’t get service when I go to my parents house, so that fixes that, and I try not to use it in the car for safety reasons. Other than that it has helped more than hurt. I can find my way, play scrabble with my friend in seattle in real time, and find out what time the movie starts in 10 seconds. It’s awesome and you know it. 🙂 *side note- I got mine on and its a refurb so it was super cheap compared to in-store pricing. Check it out and join the club!!! 🙂


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